By Moira Macdonald, The Seattle Times (MCT)
October 21, 2011, 1:40 pm TWN
"Trespass," Joel Schumacher's new thriller starring Oscar winners Nicolas Cage and Nicole Kidman, opens not just in theaters Friday, but also on-demand on your TV screen. Rent it, the promos say, with your remote control — it couldn't be easier to watch this movie. What nobody seems to have considered, though, is why anybody would want to.
It's also easy to hit yourself on the head with your remote, and that might well be more fun than watching "Trespass" — or the end result of doing so.
Cage and Kidman play Kyle and Sarah Miller, an ultra-wealthy couple who live in the kind of starkly modern mansion in which the office is the size of a gym, and the living room is so antiseptically chilly that you could possibly, with a clever swap of a few accessories, perform an autopsy there.
He's a diamond dealer; she's an architect. Their teenage daughter, Avery (Liana Liberato), is lovely and rebellious and whiny. She wants to hang out with her friend Kendra, who wears insanely low-cut bustiers and is clearly Big Trouble; Sarah wants Avery to stay home and eat salad with the family.
This seems to be the movie's essential conflict — until a gang of masked thugs break into the house, demanding that Kyle hand over everything he's got. And off we go, into 90 minutes of threats, violence, mayhem and boredom, as Kyle tries to negotiate his way out of the situation and Sarah shrieks and looks increasingly, yet attractively, disheveled.
The actors playing the invaders mostly keep their masks on (perhaps out of concern for their post-"Trespass" careers?), with the exception of the one female member of the group, whom we soon see stripped to her undies upstairs trying on Sarah's clothing, as burglars in a hurry tend to do. (Doesn't she know that no mortal woman could wear something that fits Nicole Kidman?)
You wonder what on earth inspired Cage and Kidman to sign on for this dreck, as you ponder how long Schumacher can possibly string this out.
"Man, you could have saved us all a lot of aggravation," says one of the robbers, late in the film, upon a key revelation from Kyle.
He's not kidding; 90 minutes never seemed so long. ■
► Directed by Joel Schumacher / With Nicolas Cage, Nicole Kidman, Ben Mendelsohn and Cam Gigandet / Thriller / USA / 2011 / 91 min. / Rated R for violence and terror, pervasive language and some brief drug use / English with Chinese subtitles / ★☆☆☆☆ / Now Showing