Different parties, living under same roof

“If the conversation continually turns hostile, it’s definitely a deal breaker,” says Nicholas Aretakis, author of the recently published “Ditching Mr. Wrong: How to End a Bad Relationship and Find Mr. Right.” He includes disagreement on political ideology on a list of 20 relationship deal breakers, just after religious differences and before bad habits.

Christine M. Whitehead, a divorce lawyer in Hartford, Conn., says she’s never seen a marriage break up directly over political differences. But, she says, political conflicts may reflect issues that do break up marriages: differences in lifestyle or life priorities.

Todd Farchione, a psychologist and assistant professor at Boston University, says the degree of conflict a couple feels over differing political viewpoints is related at least partly to how emotional they are about it.

“It probably depends on the issues at hand,” Farchione says. “Some tap closer to personal values. Those may be greater sticking points for the couple or family... Usually couples will share similar perspectives on these issues, but sometimes things don’t come up till the issue is pressed.” Suddenly an issue may “tap into values, and one person is saying: Who is this person I married who doesn’t want health care for all?” he says.

Katie Stebbins knew from the start that Bruce was a Republican, and she also knew the limits of her own tolerance. On their first date, she asked him his opinion on two issues that could have been deal breakers for her: gay marriage and a woman’s choice to get an abortion. When he said he supported both, Katie knew a relationship was possible.

Bruce Stebbins says the difference in political affiliation doesn’t stress him, although he admits he was careful not to cheer for his candidate too much when he and his wife watched the debates together.

Connecticut state Sen. David Cappiello and his wife, Christine, say they are more focused on raising their sons than they are on their political differences.

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